Boldness, Baldness, and Betrothal. Now with 33% more metalcore!
Apologies for my tardiness. Hopefully you can forgive me after reading why I have been delayed in blogging! Life has happened to me and possibly a little too fast for my liking. Weird how that happens to you at the most inopportune times, eh? I have been the most exhausted I have ever been in my life. Patience, my readers! Your anticipation for knowledge of my life shall soon be fulfilled. Starting.... NOW
Last week I was in France. I originally was intending to not go because I did not feel financially comfortable about it. We left on Saturday and got back almost a week ago! It was fantastic and possibly the most significant week of my life. 11 of us from the DTS centre went for a DTS Foundational Workshop. It was so informative and I am so glad I attended the workshop before staffing a DTS. It really instilled a passion for me to disciple youth and train them to be missionaries. A few crazy things happened while I was there. I stepped out more boldly than I have ever stepped out before.
Psalm 40 has and always will be one of my favorite chapters of the Bible. For those unaware here is the King James Version, which is the one I read. (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+40&version=KJV) We had a time of worship/prayer and I felt called to read that out. I have always wanted to cry it out and plea in desperation to God, but have never had the courage to do so. I finally walked out in faith and did it this time after a few other people speaking out/praying. As I read it I got very emotional and was completely oblivious to what has happening in the room around me, which is a very rare occurrence. As I got to the part of innumerable evil surrounding me, I fell down because I couldn't stand anymore. I then started screaming it out at God. And when I finally finished I started pounding the ground and yelling in a violent, wild way. Just screaming at God to deliver me and tear out of me my pride, lust, addiction to pornography and masturbation, arrogance, impatience, and all the other inequities of my life. I then just fell over exhausted from the screaming. Eventually people got me up and prayed for me and gave me encouragement. But since that moment everything has changed.
There was more prayer over myself and 3 other men at the workshop concluding with all the men standing in a huddle and re-enacting a scene from 300. We were asked our profession and all chanted together to signify we are warriors for God and will defend the faith. This event has prompted many things to happen in my life. I stepped out boldly in places I have never stepped out before, including sharing my feelings with a woman for the first time, which was a wonderful, frightening, humbling, learning experience. I was so exhausted, spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally that I had to basically shut down and ignore people. Which doesn't happen for me. When we got back on Friday I spent two days basically sitting in my room playing xbox and listening to metalcore. It was fantastic and refreshing. It also prompted a lot of things to change in my life.
In case you did not know. I have significantly less hair than a week ago. The start of this was when I got back I started dressing nicely. My roommate found a pair of skinny khaki jeans that I did NOT think would fit because the waist was so small. Lo and behold they did fit! So I started wearing jeans and shoes regularly and decided I may as well wear nice tops too. So I have been wearing fancy jumpers, V-necks with cardigans, argyle sweaters, and just simple and sharp clothing. No more ratty shirts and shorts. I also was prompted to impulsively cut my hair. I decided I wanted a change and needed to show that. I also have been working out more regularly and waking up earlier.
A lot of changes have been happening. I even have rediscovered my love for metalcore music. A lot. If you are similar here are the few songs that really got me reconnected to that part of my life.(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_yCTsL3pOU&html5=1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSe_Jz0KhbY&html5=1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTUCGRu_DL4&html5=1. I think the beartooth one is lyrically beautifully desperate) It is a part of my life that I lost and fell out of. I also have been getting my love for Muse and other bands i stopped listening to because others didn't. I really want to get my ears pierced and get plugs. I will because it is something I have wanted to do for a long time, but never stepped out and got it done. I have just been lazily taking care of myself and not making the changes I have wanted to do for a long time. When I got my hair cut, it honestly felt like I was taking off a mask, or peeling back the fake skin.
Typically when something that drastic happens you don't recognize yourself, or it is just weird. But when I saw myself in the mirror for the first time after it I instantly thought, hey! That's Colin! It's the real me! And I haven't once found myself doing things like pushing the hair out of my face, or trying to swing it away from me. It's like I never even had long hair. Which anyone that has lost that much hair will attest to, that typically doesn't happen. You would keep acting like it was there but I haven't been. So its like I have been hiding myself and never put a stamp that said THIS IS COLIN AND HIS STYLE THIS IS HOW HE DEFINES HIS LOOKS. I always just lazily went with what I was. God gave me a new identity in Christ Jesus, and transformed my soul and mind. Yet I did not transform my body to display those changes. I kept dressing and looking like I did before. And I finally am throwing away and dying to the old Colin and saying NO. That is who I was but this is who I AM. I am no longer that man but God has renewed me and given me a new face and soul. I was also making all these changes for the future.
I have been processing a lot the past week. Maybe more than any other time in my life. I spent monday afternoon listening to metalcore, playing xbox, and.... reading blogs on marriage oddly enough. My father started it all by sending me an e-mail with some stories and advice (which was so sorely loved and made me respect him so much more. Love ya Grando!) along with some excerpts from a blog about some dude who got married when he was 36. I have been single my whole life and have struggled with that until recently. I still struggle with it from time to time. Say when friends get married or people I know get engaged. Or through breakups and divorce. All of the relationships around me have affected my view on relationships and whether or not I want one or am ready for one. I am trying to give up my right to get married to God. I am trying to say, God, if your will is to never be married then I accept it. But it is not easy, especially this past month. It is a daily battle to try and obey God's will for my life, when I can stop talking enough to try and hear it first.
I have come to the realization that I should let God run my life and it would work better for everyone. Wish my brain would get that more often. After reading that blog and contemplating, I saw one on facebook about how marriage is boring. Actually let me backtrack. One of the big reasons I started making all of these changes was because of relationships and girls. I realized that eventually I DO hope to get married. Before that however, I have to have a relationship. And when I come to that relationship all I have to give the other person is myself. I can only give them my whole being. Who I am. What I have done. Who I know. Where I have been and where I am going. And am I taking care of myself in those regards like I want my future wife/girlfriend to take care of them? Sadly no. To be brutally honest, I have been pretty shitty at that. I hate it. So I started making changes. Because I realized that when that day comes, it will mean a lot. I want to take care of myself and preserve the gift of myself to give to that person. I want to take care of myself and ready myself because it could be 15 years or 15 hours until that time comes. And if I am not ready I will miss it. When I finally give myself up, it will say a lot about that person. Who I am, How I dress and act will say a lot about her to her family and friends. Just the fact that she was willing to step out with me will express to the world what she believes and how she feels. Rightly or wrongly that is the fact. And I want to be a person/gift that she would be truly proud to show off. That she would be so excited to show her friends and family this boy she met because he so awesome. Not because I want to be prideful or have my ego stroked, but because I truly want to give her the best gift I can. So that is another big reason for my physical changes. I want to take care of my body because it will one day be a precious gift to the most precious girl in the world. And I need to be ready. I digress, here is the blog that I read .(http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/11/the-real-truth-about-boring-men-and-the-women-who-live-with-them-redefining-boring/)
After reading that blog I realized something about me. I want it. I want that. Not necessarily now, but eventually. One of my biggest gifts is my heart and capacity to give to others. It is fantastic. I love giving to people, especially if it makes me "lose" something. I want to be able to fully give myself to someone and put them first. Make them feel like they are the most important person in the world. Because I feel like I have so much to give, yet no one to give it to. Yes, I understand that I must be patient and even when I find that person, wait and not overwhelm them. I long to just find the one person in life, other than God, that I can every day wake up and think to myself, how can I serve and love them more than I did yesterday? How can I put them before myself and give another part of myself away. Without the expectation of reciprocation. Without the need for anything back. It may be 10 years until I meet that person or I may not just know it yet. I am starting to accept that fact and am still needing more patient. But it has been such a growing process in my life to prepare myself for that day. Even if it never happens, it is worth being prepare. Would you rather have a window breaker in your car and not need it. Or drive into the water and have no way to get out? As extreme as that is, I have finally come to a point of peace about where I am at and where I am going. I only wish God would give me a little sneak peak so I can know what's coming! But I guess that is the beauty of everything isn't it? That it is mysterious and unpredictable. That I don't know when it will hit me or when I need to be prepared. But that is no excuse to prepare myself.
This was much more in depth and revealing then I had intended. But that might be what I need! Feel free to message me or email me any questions you have about any of it! colinlindstedt@gmail.com I would love some feedback and would LOVE to go more in depth with anyone. Have a great day, God bless, and I will see you eventually.
Last week I was in France. I originally was intending to not go because I did not feel financially comfortable about it. We left on Saturday and got back almost a week ago! It was fantastic and possibly the most significant week of my life. 11 of us from the DTS centre went for a DTS Foundational Workshop. It was so informative and I am so glad I attended the workshop before staffing a DTS. It really instilled a passion for me to disciple youth and train them to be missionaries. A few crazy things happened while I was there. I stepped out more boldly than I have ever stepped out before.
Psalm 40 has and always will be one of my favorite chapters of the Bible. For those unaware here is the King James Version, which is the one I read. (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+40&version=KJV) We had a time of worship/prayer and I felt called to read that out. I have always wanted to cry it out and plea in desperation to God, but have never had the courage to do so. I finally walked out in faith and did it this time after a few other people speaking out/praying. As I read it I got very emotional and was completely oblivious to what has happening in the room around me, which is a very rare occurrence. As I got to the part of innumerable evil surrounding me, I fell down because I couldn't stand anymore. I then started screaming it out at God. And when I finally finished I started pounding the ground and yelling in a violent, wild way. Just screaming at God to deliver me and tear out of me my pride, lust, addiction to pornography and masturbation, arrogance, impatience, and all the other inequities of my life. I then just fell over exhausted from the screaming. Eventually people got me up and prayed for me and gave me encouragement. But since that moment everything has changed.
There was more prayer over myself and 3 other men at the workshop concluding with all the men standing in a huddle and re-enacting a scene from 300. We were asked our profession and all chanted together to signify we are warriors for God and will defend the faith. This event has prompted many things to happen in my life. I stepped out boldly in places I have never stepped out before, including sharing my feelings with a woman for the first time, which was a wonderful, frightening, humbling, learning experience. I was so exhausted, spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally that I had to basically shut down and ignore people. Which doesn't happen for me. When we got back on Friday I spent two days basically sitting in my room playing xbox and listening to metalcore. It was fantastic and refreshing. It also prompted a lot of things to change in my life.
In case you did not know. I have significantly less hair than a week ago. The start of this was when I got back I started dressing nicely. My roommate found a pair of skinny khaki jeans that I did NOT think would fit because the waist was so small. Lo and behold they did fit! So I started wearing jeans and shoes regularly and decided I may as well wear nice tops too. So I have been wearing fancy jumpers, V-necks with cardigans, argyle sweaters, and just simple and sharp clothing. No more ratty shirts and shorts. I also was prompted to impulsively cut my hair. I decided I wanted a change and needed to show that. I also have been working out more regularly and waking up earlier.
A lot of changes have been happening. I even have rediscovered my love for metalcore music. A lot. If you are similar here are the few songs that really got me reconnected to that part of my life.(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_yCTsL3pOU&html5=1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSe_Jz0KhbY&html5=1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTUCGRu_DL4&html5=1. I think the beartooth one is lyrically beautifully desperate) It is a part of my life that I lost and fell out of. I also have been getting my love for Muse and other bands i stopped listening to because others didn't. I really want to get my ears pierced and get plugs. I will because it is something I have wanted to do for a long time, but never stepped out and got it done. I have just been lazily taking care of myself and not making the changes I have wanted to do for a long time. When I got my hair cut, it honestly felt like I was taking off a mask, or peeling back the fake skin.
Typically when something that drastic happens you don't recognize yourself, or it is just weird. But when I saw myself in the mirror for the first time after it I instantly thought, hey! That's Colin! It's the real me! And I haven't once found myself doing things like pushing the hair out of my face, or trying to swing it away from me. It's like I never even had long hair. Which anyone that has lost that much hair will attest to, that typically doesn't happen. You would keep acting like it was there but I haven't been. So its like I have been hiding myself and never put a stamp that said THIS IS COLIN AND HIS STYLE THIS IS HOW HE DEFINES HIS LOOKS. I always just lazily went with what I was. God gave me a new identity in Christ Jesus, and transformed my soul and mind. Yet I did not transform my body to display those changes. I kept dressing and looking like I did before. And I finally am throwing away and dying to the old Colin and saying NO. That is who I was but this is who I AM. I am no longer that man but God has renewed me and given me a new face and soul. I was also making all these changes for the future.
I have been processing a lot the past week. Maybe more than any other time in my life. I spent monday afternoon listening to metalcore, playing xbox, and.... reading blogs on marriage oddly enough. My father started it all by sending me an e-mail with some stories and advice (which was so sorely loved and made me respect him so much more. Love ya Grando!) along with some excerpts from a blog about some dude who got married when he was 36. I have been single my whole life and have struggled with that until recently. I still struggle with it from time to time. Say when friends get married or people I know get engaged. Or through breakups and divorce. All of the relationships around me have affected my view on relationships and whether or not I want one or am ready for one. I am trying to give up my right to get married to God. I am trying to say, God, if your will is to never be married then I accept it. But it is not easy, especially this past month. It is a daily battle to try and obey God's will for my life, when I can stop talking enough to try and hear it first.
I have come to the realization that I should let God run my life and it would work better for everyone. Wish my brain would get that more often. After reading that blog and contemplating, I saw one on facebook about how marriage is boring. Actually let me backtrack. One of the big reasons I started making all of these changes was because of relationships and girls. I realized that eventually I DO hope to get married. Before that however, I have to have a relationship. And when I come to that relationship all I have to give the other person is myself. I can only give them my whole being. Who I am. What I have done. Who I know. Where I have been and where I am going. And am I taking care of myself in those regards like I want my future wife/girlfriend to take care of them? Sadly no. To be brutally honest, I have been pretty shitty at that. I hate it. So I started making changes. Because I realized that when that day comes, it will mean a lot. I want to take care of myself and preserve the gift of myself to give to that person. I want to take care of myself and ready myself because it could be 15 years or 15 hours until that time comes. And if I am not ready I will miss it. When I finally give myself up, it will say a lot about that person. Who I am, How I dress and act will say a lot about her to her family and friends. Just the fact that she was willing to step out with me will express to the world what she believes and how she feels. Rightly or wrongly that is the fact. And I want to be a person/gift that she would be truly proud to show off. That she would be so excited to show her friends and family this boy she met because he so awesome. Not because I want to be prideful or have my ego stroked, but because I truly want to give her the best gift I can. So that is another big reason for my physical changes. I want to take care of my body because it will one day be a precious gift to the most precious girl in the world. And I need to be ready. I digress, here is the blog that I read .(http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/11/the-real-truth-about-boring-men-and-the-women-who-live-with-them-redefining-boring/)
After reading that blog I realized something about me. I want it. I want that. Not necessarily now, but eventually. One of my biggest gifts is my heart and capacity to give to others. It is fantastic. I love giving to people, especially if it makes me "lose" something. I want to be able to fully give myself to someone and put them first. Make them feel like they are the most important person in the world. Because I feel like I have so much to give, yet no one to give it to. Yes, I understand that I must be patient and even when I find that person, wait and not overwhelm them. I long to just find the one person in life, other than God, that I can every day wake up and think to myself, how can I serve and love them more than I did yesterday? How can I put them before myself and give another part of myself away. Without the expectation of reciprocation. Without the need for anything back. It may be 10 years until I meet that person or I may not just know it yet. I am starting to accept that fact and am still needing more patient. But it has been such a growing process in my life to prepare myself for that day. Even if it never happens, it is worth being prepare. Would you rather have a window breaker in your car and not need it. Or drive into the water and have no way to get out? As extreme as that is, I have finally come to a point of peace about where I am at and where I am going. I only wish God would give me a little sneak peak so I can know what's coming! But I guess that is the beauty of everything isn't it? That it is mysterious and unpredictable. That I don't know when it will hit me or when I need to be prepared. But that is no excuse to prepare myself.
This was much more in depth and revealing then I had intended. But that might be what I need! Feel free to message me or email me any questions you have about any of it! colinlindstedt@gmail.com I would love some feedback and would LOVE to go more in depth with anyone. Have a great day, God bless, and I will see you eventually.
Yey Colin :D
ReplyDeleteYeah!
DeleteColin thank you for sharing your story. I am so proud of all the changes you have made and the ones you are allowing God to make in your heart and spirit, it's showing in your attitude and your behaviour. Keep up the good work. Lv Fiorlisa
ReplyDelete