Old Endings and New Beginnings

I write this blog with a heaviness.  A heaviness that part of me wants to go away, and part of me doesn't.  For those of you who don't know, a great friend and huge mentor to my family and me passed away last week.  Libby Korf, at the age of 68, is now in the loving embrace of our Father.  I could write an entire book about how she has impacted me, and how her passing has impacted me and it wouldn't be enough.  She was an unbelievably loving, wonderful, and probably too sassy for her own good woman of God.  She will be missed and it aches me to know I will not see her again in this life.  I still remember coming home from work or a friends house and walking in the door to see her and Michael sitting with my parents.  Quite a few times.  And every time that happened I was so happy to see them.  They support me and love me in ways they will never know.  I got my first "job" mowing their lawn and the love they showed me then was unworthy.  I was (probably still am) a bit of a pain in the ass.  A LOVING one, but ask my mom.  She'll back me up.  Libby just started to love me and display Jesus to me in a way that I never thought possible.  Words will always fail me when I try to convey my love of this woman.  Maybe it's better that way.  Maybe somethings shouldn't be put into words.  Libby, even though you will never read this, I want to say I love you and will miss you for the rest of my life.  I can not wait to see you again in heaven,  hear your stories, and listen to your sass.  You will always be one of my role models and heroes.

This past week has probably been the hardest week of my life.  I think I cried more this past week than the rest of the year combined.  Dealing with grief is not fun.  Dealing with it for the first time sucks.  Doing it on the other side of the world from your entire family and anyone that knows Libby, a nightmare.  Had it not been for God, a couple close friends, and skype sessions with my parents, I don't know how I would have dealt with it.  It feels like something is missing inside of me.  Many nights I just laid on my couch, listening to worship music, and crying.  I don't say all of this to make you feel bad for me, I just say all of this because this is what I am going through.  I could say "Yeah, it is hard, but I am getting through it"  But I would rather let you know REALLY how I am handling it.  I have been listening to the song "Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go - Ascend the Hill" for the past week on repeat.  There is a specific verse that has stuck out to me.

"Oh, joy, that seeks me through the pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not in vain
That morn shall tearless be

So anoint me with joy
And joyful I will be
So anoint me with joy
And joyful I will be"

This past week has been so different than any other week in my life.  I think I have learned more about myself and God than any other point in time (except staffing DTS).  God is good.  He is there in the good times, and He is there in the hard times.  And yet, we don't thank Him for the hard times.  Now, I don't mean BAD, I mean hard.  And this past week has been hard.  While the cause of the pain is not desirable, the effects, in my life, have been transforming.  I learned to truly give my emotions to God.  I gave him my anger, frustration, sadness, love, hope, confusion, and all others.  I just laid them at his feet and said "Give me what I need".  Even Jesus grieved.  He wept the death of Lazarus, even though he would raise him from the dead.  He still wept for his dead friend.  I've given a sermon at that passage, and it is amazing the range of emotions Jesus shows throughout the Bible.  And yet he never sinned.  So we can then deduce that emotions, sadness, grief, are godly.  If Jesus can have them, why can't we?

I also had to say goodbye to many close friends this past week.  The main one being Rachel Villaire.  I don't think I ever realized how close I would come to this wonderful woman of God during my time here.  I just can't even think of life before having this sister in my life.  Her fiance is a VERY lucky man.  I can't wait to see what God has next for her, and where she will end up.  I miss you Rachel.  We need another good cry session. 

Part of the effect of this past week is looking forward.  My future.  I have an idea of my future and what it holds (Spoilers!).  I have for the longest time struggled with what to do next and my relationship with God.  I see it as a maths problem.  Let's say the problem is 2x + 5 = 9.  I know the answer is x = 2.  But I feel like I don't know how to show my work.  I know the questions and the answers, but not how to get there.  And what's the point of knowing the answer if you can't get there?  It's almost like I am succeeding in living, but not succeeding in life.  If that makes sense.  I have always been a intuitive person with a big picture brain, and always struggled with the details.  The little things.  Today however, I started dealing with the little things.  Libby's passing gave me a life check.  I had to take a long look at myself and decide if I die tomorrow, do I like the man I would be? It made me realize I have a lot of problems in my life that are just my problems.  There is no reason for them.  There is no reason I should be having some of these struggles.   I have always wanted to be in shape and look good.  Yet I never really started working out because "I don't know where to start".  Well I am saying now that attitude is bullshit.  Just start somewhere and figure it out as you go.  I know where I want to be, so I should know if my steps are going in the right direction or not.  Who cares if they are slower than they could be.  It beats standing still waiting. 

I have made a lot of small and big decisions today that will impact my life for the next few years. There is no excuse for not starting most of them earlier, but too late for that.  Better start now than tomorrow.  After all, today is yesterday's tomorrow.  And yesterday I said tomorrow.  So let's get to it.  Some are more exciting than others, and all are terrifying.  But I am at peace with them and looking forward to what God has for me.  This past week has been one of the most confusing, saddening, hopeful weeks I have ever had and I can truly say after it all that God is good.  Deus é bom.  Todos os dias.  I can't wait to see where my life is when I turn 25, because I have faith it will be at the best spot it has ever been.  I love you all, and wish I could be with you these holidays.  Pray for me, pray for Michael and his family and friends as they grieve, and pray for yourself.  God loves you all and so do I.  Have a Merry Christmas, and don't forget.  I end with a quote that has inspired me this past week to push forward. "A ship is safe in a harbor.  But then again, that's not what ships are for"  Take a risk.  Have faith.  Go for it.  God loves you and will support you in it.