Rivers and Roads, Heavy Hearts, and Distant Destinies.

Rivers and Roads.  Rivers 'til I reach you. 

This is a lyric many of you at YWAM Harpenden will be aware exists.  Most of us have either sang it at an open mic night, listened to it when we left, or just know the song.  I probably have listened to this song at least 10 times a day the past few days.  The whole song just speaks to me.  It is the perfect goodbye song (or worst if you hate crying and being sad).  If my life was a television series, this would probably be the closing credits song every episode.  I have no idea what the opening theme song would be.  Probably something over the top and ridiculous, because, well, let's be honest.  You all know me. 

 

At the end of the song the singers keep singing this lyrics.  "Rivers and Roads.  Rivers 'til I reach you."  Now I don't know the intention or meaning exactly behind it, but I have my own preference.  Obviously roads is the distance that I have to travel to reach "you".  However, for me, the rivers are not streams, rivers, or oceans I have to cross.  They are the rivers of tears I cry because of the deep longing I have to see you again.  The sadness of saying goodbye.  The random hits of homesickness for this place and the people.  You can hear the deep longing in the singing to see them again, and the realisation that it will always be too far and too long away.  How do you say goodbye to people that would die for you and that you would die for?  How do you cope with the fact that you may never see them again?

 As many of you know and many of you do not, I was in a wedding last week!  Two of my very best friends from The Oval (YWAM Harpenden) got married!  Yay Jason and Amanda!  So I picked up two of my close friends in Chicago and drove to Indiana for the week for the festivities.  I spent the week helping out and it was a blast.  After the reception, however, I had some goodbyes that I did not want to give.  I had to say goodbye to the happily married couple, Ivy (the maid of honor and a fantastic woman from Delaware/England!) and everyone else I had gotten to know during the week.  

Two days later emotions struck again!  I had to drive my friends to the airport in Chicago and say goodbye to them.  After dropping them off I started to drive back.  I was listening to Damien Rice because it was raining, dark, and I felt moody.  For SOME REASON, I decided I wasn't emotional enough and put on the song Goodbye by Avril Lavigne.  I basically broke down weeping immediately.  I legit almost had to pull over.  Finally, after weeks of being back in the USA and leaving Harpenden, I had to say my final goodbye and close that chapter of my life.  The sudden realisation that I would not be returning to England in the near future (or possibly ever) and I might never see the majority of my friends and family from there again hit me like a truck.  It broke me.  

There are many reasons why I think the homesickness and missing of The Oval has hit me so hard.  The biggest reason is the people that I will not be working/living with anymore.  The friendships that got my through the rough times.  The mentors that somewhat caused those rough times (in a good way!)  The people who I thought would NEVER get along with me and are my best friends.  But potentially more than that is the knowledge that since I am gone, my family and friends in the USA missed out on something.  This last years I have had more growth (spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally) in my life than the rest of it combined.  I am a completely different person than the long haired, bearded, awkward overweight guy that came in January 2012.  And all the people and places that made that happen.  The ones that stuck with me through thick and thin and pushed me towards God and betterment.  

My family members here will not get to know those relationships.  They won't get to see how my 1-on-1 saw potential in me and drew it out of me.  Or the friends that I would hang out with every weekend.  They didn't get to see their child/brother truly grow up.  Or even see the people responsible for that.  And that destroys me.  I want nothing more than my parents and brothers/sisters to see the beautiful people that helped put me where I am today.  My blood family (they are my spiritual family too!) will not get to meet my spiritual family at The Oval.  And that saddens me. 

I could go on and on about what I will miss, and who, and what, and how much BB Hall rocks and everyone that works there is a legend, but I will leave that for now.   I want to switch heavy hearts and sadness to my future.  What is next.  Where will I take this pain and how will I transform it to joy?

So most of you know that I kinda like Brazil.  It's a pretty chill place.  I love Brazil and cannot wait to go there.  I am living in the USA for the next 5-6 months and working while I continue to pursue my future in Brazil.  I am planning on leaving sometime in January and will be moving there to work with YWAM full time for 2 or 3 years.  Beyond that I don't know.  Not my decision.  God gets to call the next step.  I am so excited for what is next and where God will take me and do through me while I am there.  

Short sidebar - if you already support me or want to consider supporting me, any support during these next 5 months will pay for visas, flights, applications, and savings for costs in Brazil when I arrive.  So support during these 5 months in the USA is just as important as when I am there! Can't get there without a visa or flight!

I am glad to be in the USA for these next 5 months and see friends and families.  Bless people, Do ministry and help a church, and just take a small breather before going back into full time ministry.  If you live nearby Wisconsin please contact me for coffee or a meal.  I would love it.  I love to talk about my passions for Brazil and how God has transformed me.  Also I love to talk.  I am uncertain about what I will be doing when I arrive, but I am ready and willing to serve God however He wants me to serve.  

As always, I would love to answer any questions you have about me, my journey, YWAM, or just life in general.  Feel free to message me on facebook, email me at colinlindstedt@gmail.com, or comment on here.  I love you all and miss you all.  This life or the next, I know I'll see you again.