Seasons, Struggles, and Starbucks
What up, fam. As I write this blog I am sitting at my cabin in Wisconsin. There is snow covering everything here. The fire is warming the house. My dad is cooking for Christmas dinner to comfort himself from the two cribbage losses I gave him. My brother's little toy poodle Fran is running around being a nuisance. It's Christmas.
I did not get to spend Christmas with my family last year. I instead spent it with this awesome Australian family in London. And as great as being with the Steel family for Christmas was, nothing beats Christmas with my family. Most families have some sort of tradition around the holidays, and mine is no different. We spent Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family and Christmas Day with my mom's side. Somewhere between all this weeks of craziness is our family Christmas. Sometimes December 22, sometimes January 3rd, sometimes anywhere between them. Whatever day we wrestle all the kids and jobs into working for us, is the day we celebrate.
After being away from my family for over 3 years, aside from the occasional visit, I have come to view the holidays as very different. Especially with the fact that sometime this year I will be moving once again to gallivant off across the world again, I hold these moments precious. I don't know when my next Christmas with my relatives will be. After the last year life has become so much more precious to me and I never know who is going to be taken when. It could be me that misses Christmas from now on. And knowing that I might not get back to the USA for Christmas the next couple years makes me realize just how important this holiday is to me.
I love Christmas. I love seeing my family, spending time with them, giving people gifts, getting gifts, drinking a little too much eggnog and my stomach hating me, eating WAY too many cookies and my stomach hating me, having leftovers for the next few days and my stomach hating me. I think you see the pattern.
And at the same time, I realise how much I miss people in my life right now. I look back at the Christmases I spent in England. The people I spent them with. And my heart breaks. My heart absolutely shatters with the realization that I might never see them again. That some of my best friends and best Christmas memories (Heck yes ID Christmas parties! The Greens are the best hosts on the Oval!) are forever gone. Yes the memories will last, and yes the pain and longing I feel motivates me to continue pursing these relationships and start new ones. But why does it have to happen? Why can't I just say screw it and not make any more friends and not have to add on to these pains. I know that won't happen and I don't actually WANT it to happen. I also know that this is the WORST part about the life I chose and I still wouldn't change it for the world. But why can't people keep in touch with me when I try to reach out to them? Why don't I make more of an effort to reach out to the people that try to talk to me? Skyping, facebook messaging, and praying for one another can only do so much. Now don't get me wrong. I absolutely adore my family. I am SO happy I am with them for the holidays. But, why can't I have both? I know I can't and I know that it is asking too much. But why can't my blood family have Christmas with my YWAM Harpenden family? I know in Heaven we will get to party all the time together. But why can't it just happen now already?
I am currently in the process of a lot of things . I am still planning on moving to Brazil next year and joining YWAM there for a couple years (or more. God has the final say in that). However, it will take longer than anticipated and the visa application is more complicated than I thought it would be. This isn't England apparently. With the realisation that I will be staying in the USA longer than anticipated and maybe longer than desired, I started to grow restless. I don't want to be here anymore. While I love my friends and family here, my heart is not here. I know I SHOULD be here with all the things happening in my family and all the people that I need to support and help right now. But I know Brazil is where I want to be, where God wants me to be, and where I'm GOING to be. I want to be in that culture again. I want to be learning the language and confused because I can't understand the person at the supermarket. I want to be getting angry that its too hot every day. I want to eat the unbelievable ripe and delicious fruit. I want açaí.
I am happy to spend time here and build relationships and prepare to go to Brazil. To refresh and get ready for my next season. But my heart is still fighting against it and making it harder. I don't know when I'll be going or how long this visa process will take. Pray that it is quick and I can get my visa painlessly. I will need to start support raising and saving money for flights and visa costs soon, so prayer for all that as well.
During my time here I have indeed gotten a job. I have been barista-ing it up at Starbucks! Working there full time to help pass the time and save some money for the future. I like it. I love making coffee, and love the people I work with. Waking up between 400 and 600 every morning isn't he most enjoyable. I had the day off today and woke up at 700 and couldn't go back to sleep. I don't think anyone was prepared for this side of Colin. While working at Starbucks has its downsides too, I don't mind it and am very thankful that I have a paying job for my transitional time here.
I love you all. Thank you so much for reading this half ranty blog of mine. I hope you all have a great Christmas and that God blesses you in such a unique, intimate, relationship with Him this upcoming year, and for the rest of your life.
Always feel free to email me or comment about any questions you have!
I did not get to spend Christmas with my family last year. I instead spent it with this awesome Australian family in London. And as great as being with the Steel family for Christmas was, nothing beats Christmas with my family. Most families have some sort of tradition around the holidays, and mine is no different. We spent Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family and Christmas Day with my mom's side. Somewhere between all this weeks of craziness is our family Christmas. Sometimes December 22, sometimes January 3rd, sometimes anywhere between them. Whatever day we wrestle all the kids and jobs into working for us, is the day we celebrate.
After being away from my family for over 3 years, aside from the occasional visit, I have come to view the holidays as very different. Especially with the fact that sometime this year I will be moving once again to gallivant off across the world again, I hold these moments precious. I don't know when my next Christmas with my relatives will be. After the last year life has become so much more precious to me and I never know who is going to be taken when. It could be me that misses Christmas from now on. And knowing that I might not get back to the USA for Christmas the next couple years makes me realize just how important this holiday is to me.
I love Christmas. I love seeing my family, spending time with them, giving people gifts, getting gifts, drinking a little too much eggnog and my stomach hating me, eating WAY too many cookies and my stomach hating me, having leftovers for the next few days and my stomach hating me. I think you see the pattern.
And at the same time, I realise how much I miss people in my life right now. I look back at the Christmases I spent in England. The people I spent them with. And my heart breaks. My heart absolutely shatters with the realization that I might never see them again. That some of my best friends and best Christmas memories (Heck yes ID Christmas parties! The Greens are the best hosts on the Oval!) are forever gone. Yes the memories will last, and yes the pain and longing I feel motivates me to continue pursing these relationships and start new ones. But why does it have to happen? Why can't I just say screw it and not make any more friends and not have to add on to these pains. I know that won't happen and I don't actually WANT it to happen. I also know that this is the WORST part about the life I chose and I still wouldn't change it for the world. But why can't people keep in touch with me when I try to reach out to them? Why don't I make more of an effort to reach out to the people that try to talk to me? Skyping, facebook messaging, and praying for one another can only do so much. Now don't get me wrong. I absolutely adore my family. I am SO happy I am with them for the holidays. But, why can't I have both? I know I can't and I know that it is asking too much. But why can't my blood family have Christmas with my YWAM Harpenden family? I know in Heaven we will get to party all the time together. But why can't it just happen now already?
I am currently in the process of a lot of things . I am still planning on moving to Brazil next year and joining YWAM there for a couple years (or more. God has the final say in that). However, it will take longer than anticipated and the visa application is more complicated than I thought it would be. This isn't England apparently. With the realisation that I will be staying in the USA longer than anticipated and maybe longer than desired, I started to grow restless. I don't want to be here anymore. While I love my friends and family here, my heart is not here. I know I SHOULD be here with all the things happening in my family and all the people that I need to support and help right now. But I know Brazil is where I want to be, where God wants me to be, and where I'm GOING to be. I want to be in that culture again. I want to be learning the language and confused because I can't understand the person at the supermarket. I want to be getting angry that its too hot every day. I want to eat the unbelievable ripe and delicious fruit. I want açaí.
I am happy to spend time here and build relationships and prepare to go to Brazil. To refresh and get ready for my next season. But my heart is still fighting against it and making it harder. I don't know when I'll be going or how long this visa process will take. Pray that it is quick and I can get my visa painlessly. I will need to start support raising and saving money for flights and visa costs soon, so prayer for all that as well.
During my time here I have indeed gotten a job. I have been barista-ing it up at Starbucks! Working there full time to help pass the time and save some money for the future. I like it. I love making coffee, and love the people I work with. Waking up between 400 and 600 every morning isn't he most enjoyable. I had the day off today and woke up at 700 and couldn't go back to sleep. I don't think anyone was prepared for this side of Colin. While working at Starbucks has its downsides too, I don't mind it and am very thankful that I have a paying job for my transitional time here.
I love you all. Thank you so much for reading this half ranty blog of mine. I hope you all have a great Christmas and that God blesses you in such a unique, intimate, relationship with Him this upcoming year, and for the rest of your life.
Always feel free to email me or comment about any questions you have!
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