Puzzling Emotions.

I'm not sure how to even start this blog.  The last few months have been such a flurry of emotions that I don't even know when I'll be able to process them all.  I guess I can start by giving you a quick timeline of what my family has been doing.

• I moved "home" in August and started working at Starbucks and starting trying to apply for my visa for Brazil with the hope to leave in January or February.
• In October my mother was in a car accident with my niece and nephew.  No one was seriously injured buy my mother broke her wrist and totaled the car.  
• 2 weeks later, my sister-in-law broke her foot
• The process for Brazil takes longer than anticipated.
• A couple days later the same sister-in-law found out they were going to have a third baby.
• One of my close friends and huge mentor and family friend was given 3-5 years.
• The process for Brazil takes longer than anticipated.
• About a month after that I found out my second niece was miscarried.
• Christmas was riddled with sickness on all sides of the family
• My brother, Ryan, started having a GI bleed and had to go to the emergency room and have many tests done to find the source.
• The process for Brazil takes longer than anticipated.
• Our family friend that was given 3-5 years had his expectancy cut down to 3-6 months, and then suddenly he passed at the age of 73
• My brother had the source of his GI bleed discovered which was a carcinoid tumor in his small intestine.
• The process for Brazil takes longer than anticipated.
• These past 6 months multiple close friends also had very rough times for many different reasons.  I often felt their pain too closely due to a strong sense of empathy (Love those gift/curses)

I guess I came home from England bright eyed and excited to move to Brazil.  I feel called there and wanted nothing more than to start doing missions in that beautiful country.  God, like he all too often does, decided not to inform me of His plans.  (Maybe I don't listen well enough?  My mom would probably agree with that statement)  I was so excited to spend Christmas with my family and then say my goodbyes and once again gallivant across the globe.  Looking back now, I can obviously see the importance of not going to Brazil yet.  How could I have left if my brother was in the hospital and I didn't know what would happen?  How would I have dealt with it in Brazil?  How could I support my family in this time if I wasn't physically present?  Yes you can support people from across the globe, but there is a different way of supporting them in the moment and in their presence.  

This past few months have been extremely difficult.  I have dealt almost daily with the frustration of not being in Brazil.  The questioning of why it's taking so longer.  Starting to second guess my calling and future there.  Dealing with pain, hurt, and loss all too often.  Missing my friends and family in England at least twice a day.  Feeling lost.  Seeing others struggle.  Seeing others move towards their calling or move forward while I felt like I was just at the bus stop waiting for the bus.  I love working at Starbucks and making coffee, however, anyone working in the service industry can attest to the fact that many people do not treat you like human beings.  While I do not take it personally, it can take a toll on you day after day.  It can be very hard to go to work and put on a great smile and attitude when the people you are serving don't acknowledge your existence.  

Now that I am going to Mexico for 3 months ( I will have more on that later in this very blog!  Stay tuned!  Don't touch that mouse!), I have a much different view of the past 6 months.  Maybe it is because I have made a decision to continue pursuing God relentlessly and recklessly.  Maybe it was just long enough that I processed it.  Maybe having a clear way forward erased the fog from my brain.  Maybe it's Mabelline?  Probably not that last one.  Wouldn't surprise me though.  Looking back I can see wrapped around all these painful moments.  These heartbreaking memories.  I see a constant thread going in between them.  Making a beautiful pattern that is all too easily missed.  

My sister in law used the metaphor of a sandstorm to explain these 6 months.  I think that is a perfect example of how it has felt.  I, however, being the one that needs attention and doesn't want to steal her idea will give you another metaphor to explain these last few months.  Picture a puzzle.  If you know me, you should know that I LOOOVE puzzles.  I love them immensely.

Yes.  A puzzle.  A jigsaw puzzle to be exact.  These past few months I have been working on this puzzle.  This puzzle of life.  And when I work on puzzles I tend to work in themes and work on big parts before moving on to the next park.  Now that the puzzle is done.  The jigsaw of my time in the USA during this season, I see something.  Something that I missed.  While I was working on all the easy to see, big parts I missed something.  I didn't see the parts that connected them. The single theme running throughout this jigsaw that was holding it all together.  I was too focused on the easy sections and big pictures that I didn't see the pieces that I was putting on the outsides of them, around them, in between them.  A message screaming one single, solitary, somehow overlooked word.  Connection.

Now this connection comes in many different forms.  I see what has been happening during my time in the USA.  Now if you will allow me, let me look at these "big" sections and painful moments that I was so focused on during this time, however, let me focus on how it all connects instead of what it is by itself.

• I moved "home" in August and started working at Starbucks and starting trying to apply for my visa for Brazil with the hope to leave in January or February.
• During this time I was able to make some new lifelong friends 
• In October my mother was in a car accident with my niece and nephew.  No one was seriously injured buy my mother broke her wrist and totaled the car.  
• We were down a car for a few weeks and my parents and I had to share between two cars and help each other out a little bit more.
• 2 weeks later, my sister-in-law broke her foot
• I'll be honest.  Not sure where it fits in here.
• The process for Brazil takes longer than anticipated.
• I am able to make a connection with my contact and grow our relationship in our shared frustration.
• A couple days later the same sister-in-law found out they were going to have a third baby.
• Family was excited to celebrate new life and we all started talking about the future.
• One of my close friends and huge mentor and family friend was given 3-5 years.
• Started spending more time with him and appreciating him
• The process for Brazil takes longer than anticipated.
• Start looking for Brazilians in my area to connect to since I missed the country so much.
• About a month after that I found out my second niece was miscarried.
• Our family came together to support my brother and his wife/kids during this time.
• Christmas was riddled with sickness on all sides of the family
• Couldn't really go anywhere so we were stuck in a cabin playing cribbage!
• My brother, Ryan, started having a GI bleed and had to go to the emergency room and have many tests done to find the source.
• Supported my other brother and his wife/kids during this time as well.
• The process for Brazil takes longer than anticipated.
• Continued reaching out to my Brazilian friends and letting those relationships not drift away.
• Our family friend that was given 3-5 years had his expectancy cut down to 3-6 months, and then suddenly he passed at the age of 73
• Saw the impact he had on peoples lives at his funeral and how loved he was and how much he loved others.
• My brother had the source of his GI bleed discovered which was a carcinoid tumor in his small intestine.
• Spent a lot of time bringing coffee to people and helping watch children (or helping my mother watch children)
• The process for Brazil takes longer than anticipated
• Pretty much the same as the last ones.
• These past 6 months multiple close friends also had very rough times for many different reasons.  I often felt their pain too closely due to a strong sense of empathy (Love those gift/curses)
• Grow close with those friends and help them.  Support them or just let them know that someone loves them and cares for them.

And the big one that I didn't say.  I have been able to see a nephew born.  Become close to my current niece and nephews to the point that they know my name and I actually am excited to see them!  (except when they're crying.  Which is a lot.  Because life is tough for toddlers)  I have been able to be close to my family and spend time with my brothers and parents (which was a rarity seeing that one family lived in Vegas, one in Minnesota, and me in England the past 4 years).  I am so glad to grow my relationship with my family deeper.  I would not have been able to do that had I left for Brazil in January or February.  

Looking at this "puzzle" I see all the pain and loss.  But I see that if I take out those pieces, the puzzle isn't real.  It would give a fake picture of what life has been.  There would be holes and it would be incomplete.  Those painful moments, those losses, those frustrations, only make the brighter moments shine brighter.  They give the small threads of hope, love, redemption, joy something to connect to and a way to bring it all together.  No one would want to see a movie without conflict or loss, because without conflict or loss, how could there be hope, or redemption, or grace.  I'm not saying that I'm FOR loss and pain, it is inevitable because we live in a fallen world.  I am saying that I will choose to see the small threads of the glory of God that run through them to create a beautiful picture.  As beautiful a picture that a bunch of cut up pieces of wood can be.

Last, but not least, Mexico.  I have never been to Mexico.  However, that is about to change!  I applied for and was accepted to a Biblical Core Course(BCC) with YWAM (Youth With A Mission) in Ensenada, Mexico.  I leave April 7th and will be gone for 3 months.  Now a BCC is a school about, you guessed it, the Bible!  We will take 3 months to do a very in depth study of 13 books of the Bible.  I will read them 5 times each and learn how to continue studying the bible in depth. I have always wanted to do one because I felt that my biblical knowledge was not where it could be.  I wanted to have a stronger foundation of my love and knowledge of the bible before I truly pursued missions in Brazil.  I have wanted to do one for the last few years and it never really worked.  I decided, quite randomly, to do one and it just fit and worked out.  I didn't want to just be sitting here in the USA waiting for Brazil to get back to me.  I wanted to pursue God with all my heart, soul, mind, and body.  I wanted to continue pursuing missions, not wait for missions to pursue me.  I still will be going through the process with Brazil to continue with YWAM there and plan to be there by the end of the year. (hopefully sooner)  

I have all my money for the school and flight.  However, most of the money for this was the money I was saving up from Starbucks for either flights or visas costs for Brazil.  So if Brazil happens sooner rather than later, I may be a bit behind in my finances!  So I would please ask that you pray and consider supporting me financially on this trip to learn about the Bible very in depth and about God.  One time donations of even 5 dollars is a huge blessing and greatly appreciated.  Either look at the how to donate box at the top of my blog or email me at colinlindstedt@gmail.com  And PLEASE PLEASE continue or start praying for me during this time!  I will need all the help to be focused and learn as much as possible!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this blog and support me however you support me.  I love you all and will miss everyone that I am leaving and still miss everyone that I left. God bless and as always, please ask me anything about anything.