Healing. That word means a lot of things to a lot of different people. For some it means physical healing. Others it brings memories of emotional pain. Some it makes them think of video games. The word healing brings with it an acknowledgment that not only is there a standard to strive for, but also a realization that we are not at that standard. That something happened to bring us away from completion, and that something needs to be done for there to be wholeness again. Whether it means surgery due to a broken bone, or therapy due to past abuse, or even something as trivial as a video game character not having full health. The definitions of healing according to Merriam-Webster is "to make free from injury or disease: to make sound or whole" and "to make well again: to restore health." Healing strives for perfection, for wholeness. It is looking for the root of the problem and working towards restoration. Healing is not putting gauze over a bullet wound to stop the bleeding. It is removing the bullet and repairing the body. It is not ignoring the pain of the past by drowning it out with work, addictions, relationship. It is working through that pain to be free of it. And this is where I have struggled. This is where I have fallen short and lied to myself for years.
Last year I wrote about doing the School of Biblical Studies (SBS) in Tijuana, Mexico. Many of you are aware that I did not attend that course. Last summer as I was preparing to work with Mission Adventures (MA) in Ensenada, I realized something. I was struggling with some physical health issues at the time and, unfortunately, had to step out of MA. During this transition I processed with my MA leaders about why I was stepping out and what my next step was. And one of them challenged me about why I am doing the SBS. I stopped and realized that I was doing it because I wanted to do it, which is not a problem, unless, however, God wants me to do something else. And during this processing I realized I had more things to work on in my emotional and spiritual life. One of my leaders recommended the Foundations of Counseling Ministry (FCM) school, which I had never heard of before. I went away from the meeting and after praying with God realized that she was right. This was the school I was supposed to do. So I prayed more and found the location and timing to do the school. I was then soon accepted for the FCM in Sweden just north of Gothenburg on the west coast. During the next few months leading up to the school in January, I continued to work on base and prepare to leave for the school. I also started a romantic relationship during this time and was continually growing and learning more about myself through that. My girlfriend is easily the best part of my life outside of God, and saying goodbye to her for 4 months while I do this school has been one of the hardest things I have had to do, but we both know God is calling me to this and 4 months is well worth waiting. So I went home for a month over Christmas to see family and prepare for my next journey. On January 13th, I flew across the world to embark and this new adventure.
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| YWAM Restenäs |
First thing, Sweden is cold y'all. It isn't as cold temperature wise compared to my home in Wisconsin, but it is damp and winding and will bite through all of your layers. And the housing, like a lot of European housing, is older and heated by radiators that can only do so much! The base is 150 acres and gorgeous with trees, a forest/mountain you can walk up and see the North Sea, and is quite peaceful since it is removed from the city. When I arrived I had no idea what God had in store for me during this next week, and I still have no idea what God wants to do in me the next 11 weeks. Many of you are probably wondering what exactly the FCM is. To quote their handbook "One central aim of the FCM is for strudents to be able to apply God's truth at heart level in a way that enables change and transformation." To develop ourselves and be counseled where God wants us to be, so that we in turn can counsel and develop others. Not only will the school work on things in my own life and walk with me through the process, it will teach me how to help others and how to implement the tools and skills in my own ministry. To see me go out and impact the world with my training. As a person that has a big heart for developing our current full time staff, it is a fantastic tool to help me learn how to better listen, encourage, give advice, and counsel people all with God being the center.
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| My fellow students (There are 9 of us!) and my staff team |
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| Books to read and Notes to take |
This first week we have been going through the plumbline teaching. In Amos 7, God talks about bringing a plumbline to his people. When building something with a plumbline, if it gets out of plumb, you cannot fix it without starting over. If a building is crooked, you must tear it down and build anew. It is a teaching that helps highlight things in our life that have gotten out of plumb with God. And many times these are things that happened long ago and helped form our life around them. And that is not easy to deal with. And that brings me to the start of this blog. Going into the school I had two things I wanted to work on. My pride and my lust. I have had problems with both for as long as I can remember. And both are intertwined and holding me back from deeper intimacy with God and with others. I have struggled immensely with pornography since my early teenage years. Constantly. And throughout this whole struggle, I have truly never sought true healing. I would add filters and get accountability and read books about what to do, but I would never stop and ask what was the cause and how can I heal that cause. Sure I could go to the wild without technology or any medium that displays pornography, yet when I return, if I did not deal with the root of the problem, nothing would have been fixed. I would have put a big bandaid on a bullet wound to stop the bleeding, but if that bandaid were removed or fell off, the bleeding could start again. During this week I have had my eyes finally truly opened to my need for change and my need for God. How this can affect my relationship with God, with myself, and with my girlfriend. I was so blinded through lust and pride that I did not care or realize how it affected things in my life. And honestly, this week has sucked. This shit is not easy to deal with. There have been many breakdowns this week. Crying in the shower, not being able to fall asleep due to finally feeling the pain this has caused. Because my wall that I built out of plumb with God finally came crashing down, and I had to face the reality of where I was and where I needed to be. And my pride didn't like that either. But without that, I never would have been able to start afresh with God. Unless you cut open the skin and remove the bullet, it will always be there causing pain and discomfort and problems. And unfortunately, since I had too much pride, it was like doing that surgery while I was awake and without anesthesia. I don't recommend it. Deal with your problems as soon as you can because it is much easier and less painful. Next week we go into the ministry and application time of this teaching. I haven't even truly started to dig deep into it, and it is already wrecking me and making me a better person for God. I am finally starting to not only get the healing and restoration that I need, but I am finally admitting that I need it. That band-aids are need and are good and have their place. But I need to take off those band-aids and deal with the festering wounds beneath. Finally admitted to myself that it's more than just a scratch.
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| My school fees that are still needed (what could the final picture be!?) |
Lastly I need your help! As you can guess, I will need a lot of prayer during this time.
- For strength to continue being open and vulnerable with the school so that I can grow
- That I can stay focused on the school, and not let other distractions consume me
- That my relationship can continue to grow and flourish during this distance and time apart and that we have extra grace and love during the hard times that distance can bring
- To gain tools and insights for how to help my ministry when I return to Mexico
- Finances so I can have my school paid in full and have finances to travel back to Mexico as well
To help visualize my financial needs, I made a map that you can donate to! You can pick a box and donate that amount to me if you feel led. (It does not HAVE to be an amount on the box, if there is a different amount you wish to donate, feel free, this is just a tool to help). The school is 25000 SEK or about 2800 dollars, and then costs for returning to Mexico brings that to about 3000 USD. If you wish to partner with me and YWAM SDB financially you can do so in a variety of ways. Paypal: @ColinLindstedt, Venmo: @Colin-Lindstedt, or for tax deductible click here https://ywamsdb.webconnex.com/StaffSupport (please make sure to put my name under designation and that the one time donation box is checked). If you have any questions feel free to message me or email me at ColinLindstedt@gmail.com Thank you for taking the time to read this, sorry for the delay in updates, and God bless you this year.
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