Honesty and Humility.

First off I want to apologize to everyone supporting me through finances or prayer.  I have been a shitty supportee(?)  Dunno the correct term.  I have not expressed thankfulness or gratitude towards you.  I have ignored you all and just taken for granted/abused you all.  I want to ask for your forgiveness.  I have not held up my end of the partnership.  You deserve better and I want to try.  You deserve timely updates and constant gratitude and thankfulness.  So I am sorry.  I have failed you all in that area.  I hate saying that word.  A lot.   I failed you all.  I hope to redeem myself from now on.

Hello everyone!  I hope you are all doing well.  I am continuing to push on through!  I'll give you a little update about what's going on in my life!  So get excited.  Hold on to your butts!

Let's go in order with my title and start with honesty.  Honestly?  I'm struggling.  I am at the end of my rope and I feel like I am losing my mind.  I left community meeting last night to go lie on my bed and cry.  I am feeling completely overwhelmed by everything that is happening.  I feel out of my depth. I don't know what to do or where to go.  The picture to the left explains how I feel.

 I don't mean this to be all depressing or self-pitying.  I am just trying to express how I feel.  I constantly worry about what can go wrong.  What if I don't get my money for my flight?  What if my visa gets rejected?  What if I mess up on outreach?  What if?  What if?  What if?  I lie awake at night worrying.  I know I should be praying and reading my Bible, yet I just play video games.  Or browse Reddit.  Or just watch YouTube videos.  There are so many "problems" in my life it seems right now.  DTS.  Life.  Girls.  Homesickness.  More homesickness.  Feeling underqualified.  Etc.  Yet so many of these could be solved by just praying and leaning on God more.  Which brings me to my second point.



Humility!  Who loves getting humbled?  Not meeeee.  I have lived my whole life basically in my own strength.  I have been gifted with intelligence, a knack for problem solving, and a longing for knowledge.  Because of this I have never really "need" God to get by.  I say "need" because that is what I thought or felt, but it is not true.  I have realized I am a prideful, arrogant man in some areas.  I thought I could staff this DTS easily.  I thought it wouldn't be that rough and I would inwardly scoff at the people staffing who are always tired or losing it.  I wrongly believed I was better than them and could do it myself.  No one told me staffing a DTS was hard.  No one told me I couldn't do it by myself.  I am having to learn how to lean on God and have him be my strength.

 For the first time in my life, I have to admit I cannot do it by my own volition.  I have to admit I am weak.  I have to lean on God and ask him to help me.  My pride hates this.  So much.  I am at the point of desperation.  I am at the point of beauty.  The point where I die and Jesus lives.  The point where I submit myself to God and say he can have control.  I will admit it is not easy.  Someone prayed over me recently and what they said stuck out.  It is like I am being broken in.  Like a new pair of shoes or a horse.  Anyone that has worn a new pair of shoes knows it is uncomfortable and painful.  It is not fun.  It is worth it, but not easy.  We have romanticized growth and dying to yourself.  It sucks.  A lot.  I have cried more staffing this DTS then the rest of my life it feels.

Yet there is hope!  Because of this I am growing.  A lot.  I have read my bible everyday for a week.  This might be the first time in my life I have done this.  I have started becoming more responsible and a man of my word more.  I cannot do this, but God can do this through me.  I am starting to be less worried about the future and outreach.  I am starting to have more faith in what God can do.  It is still an ongoing process.  But it is going in the right direction.  I still need a LOT of prayer though, because at the end of the day it is not about me.  I am leading and guiding a group of 8 trainees and they need me to help them.  So don't pray for me for me.  Pray for me for them.  It is not about me.  It is about these 8 wonderful people who sacrificed so much to spread God's love and get to have an intimate relationship with him.

Lastly, on a more logistical stance.  I will give you all an update on things.  I have my base debt paid off.  I will most likely have my visa for Brazil on Friday!  I have nearly all the money for my flight.  So thank you to everyone who supported me through prayer and donations.  It means a lot.  I still need some money for when I am in Brazil, but I am almost in the clear!  I will have another update when I have my ticket to celebrate.  I will be gone this weekend at The Big Church Day Out, and the next weekend at a YWAM gathering.  I hope to give you more of an update on what ministries I have been working with and what we will be doing in Brazil next week.  Thank you all for reading and be very, very blessed.